Well it has been quite some time since I have been on this thing. I am quite certain that I merely am speaking into the vast nothingness. I am quite certain nobody will read this, but I shall continue to post. I have come to terms with working my current job. I have been slacking with my art, and with my writing. I miss it. At one point I was devoted. I fell of track, and have yet to get back on. Not that I have a massive amount of ideas to partake on, but it still is nice to retreat to my forms of art. I am in a constant bind, and struggle to settle my faults of the past. All to possibly open new doors, and a new part of my life. A new part of my life I look forward to. At this point it feels out of reach like a bird with clipped wings. Knowing this struggle I am still determined to try. I have set my mind to many goals, and to this day have yet to fail besides the boundaries of love. Love is a tricky notion. It cannot be defined, nor can it be ignored. Many say "you'll know it when you feel it", but how is it you know it if you can't define it. If you were survey a vast amount of people to define in their own words what 'Love' means I am for certain each and every definition would be different by a huge margin. Love is it real, does it feel, is it emotional, or is it chemical? How does 'Love' Function? is it fictitious? Why is it when ones "heart" gets crushed they feel a gaping hole in there chest? When one loves another are there souls combined at some point? I can't say I can define the word love, but I can say I feel it. Love cannot be defined by such menial words. I say all you can do is say how you feel, and do not try and define it. Just hope that it is real. I know for certain that I am connected to this woman I have. She bares such warmth to my soul, but at the same time could torture it at her will. One thing is for certain, and that I am confident that this is real....
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I FELT A FUNERAL IN MY BRAIN
Emily Dickenson

I felt a funeral in my brain,
And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
That sense was breaking through.

And when they all were seated,
A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
My mind was going numb.

And then I heard them lift a box,
And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead,
Then space began to toll

As all the heavens were a bell,
And Being but an ear,
And I and silence some strange race,
Wrecked, solitary, here.

And then a plank in reason, broke,
And I dropped down and down--
And hit a world at every plunge,
And finished knowing--then--

Well.

Okay, well not really much to "update" not that anyone actually reads this piece of shit. Everyday may be a constant struggle some of course on different levels. Not many take any of the good in accord. Usually most disregard it and concentrate simply on the bad. I suppose its always easier that way. Look at me for instance I am a pessimist at nature. I simply call it being a realist. Whatever that means. Its easier to look at the faults in human beings, and simply degrade them to nothing. The constant lack of compassion for one another. How quickly they are to shun one aside for petty self gain. Where did the concept of love or compassion go? did it dissipate when the idea of"economical growth" came in? With our constant struggle to climb up the economical ladder kicking, clawing, and consuming all that get in the way. Just to get that dream car, and big screen TV. Oh well Fuck it. That's all I got to say. I guess I can be someones stepping stone.

So it Goes...

Okay, well things before October 13th were a bit rough for me. I had originally given up on the concept of love. Believing it was quite the frivolous concept, and that it was merely the search of finding one compatible to deal with your downfalls as an individual. I was content with being single feeling maybe that was what I needed in life. I was always the guy who wanted relationships, and the guy who always looked for the long-term deals. Never was I one to use a person for the act of meaningless sex, or possessions. I always did what I could for the one's I cared for. I always broke my back, and even tortured myself at times to do what I could to see them happy. I would much rather see someone happy then myself the majority of the time. I am not saying I am a saint nor that I am the perfect individual. I know damn well I have made my mistakes and created meaningless arguments, been ugly or rude when unnecessary. I am stubborn, hard headed, and a bit foolish at times. I mislead woman and slung around the phrase "I love you" merely to make them happy. Not once till now have I ever felt it and meant it. I am merely saying I try for many to be able to say that is a stretch. Essentially I am saying I merely gave up on a lot of things. On October 13th I met someone I found of extreme interest. I was neither looking nor did I want to find anyone, but it was something that just happened. We had never really met on a personal level. Just caught each others eye on a glimpse maybe a little more then a year before. No real words exchange or any type of communication. We happen to talk and decide to meet. Little was known of each other nor did we have any expectations of one another. The night came and went as quick as a blink. It was absolutely one of the best dates I have ever been on. What was usually felt with awkward moments was filled with conversation, laughter, and beautiful smiles. We both agreed we didn't want the night to end, but it had to. I couldn't wait for the next available chance at just saying "hello". From then on it is hard to describe with words what exactly happened. I drifted into what was unknown to me. I fell in Love for the first time I can say in my life. I have never had anyone make me so happy in my entire life. I've felt and experience so many new things with this woman its hard to explain. Every time I see her there is a smile, a kiss, and a hug waiting for her. From which all come from my heart. Some may say its to quick to slow down, and to take it easy. I don't wanna do any of that. I want to take it for what it is as it is. Why slow down something that appears to be so beautiful and perfect? Fear is the only factor. I shall not fold under such circumstances. I will give it my all. Love with all my heart, and fight for it to work because for once in my life everything feels Just right. Angie if you read this.... I love you...

Sometimes you Just have to Pee in the Sink.

We all have a story to tell. I would agree that some are more interesting then others. Lets just be honest though. We don't wanna hear how happy anyone is. We thrive on others misery. The more pain we see others live through the happier and more fulfilling of a life we live. I believe its quite sad how desperate we have really become.

We live in the shadow of fear. We are engulfed in lies. We live lie after lie. We no longer seek the truth. Simply because the truth is more painful. The more we believe equates to the amount we know. The less we believe simply means the less we know. By that theory I am a fool in the mass population's eyes.

Live to see another day. Live to breath and believe more lies today.

Oh how beautiful.

I'm a foreigner even to myself.

I've felt like I have gone through some tough times through out my life, and for a while felt I was becoming a foreigner even to myself. Just a utter stranger. I really had no sense. No direction. I feel I am back on track.

Work is still work. Still wanting to proceed on with my art. I can't stop I have already started lets hope I do it right. People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.

So strange I have become more of an emotionally involved person. More so then I have ever in my life. You gotta be willing to put yourself out there. The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open. So it goes....

That saying, about how you always kill the thing you love, well, it works both ways. The reality of it is that its the truth, and the truth is not what people want. The answer to all of this is that there is no answer. Live and let live. There's no time for hate. Just love.

Here are a few of my writings I have done:
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"Not by a long shot!" she said.
"I'm not here to trust"
"I'm not here to love"
"I'm not here to fuck"
"Ideals" she screamed.
"Not real"
"A dream"
So she said.
As she swallowed me whole.
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My wasted days are over.
Ready to be swallowed by the ocean.
Let the tide roll in...
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Captured.
Disaster.
Release.
Collapse.
Repeat.
Cupid's Arrow never hurt so good.
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Something I wrote on July 4th of this year.

Everything started today as your typical mundane bullshit Monday. Its July 4th 2009 and everyone seems to be gitty for fireworks and drunken sex. Always and endless cycle of pointless Holidays. We are the Hallmark nation of Card Companies. This was a day with the means of letting go. I did. Its gone. So it goes....
I don't feel a thing...
So it goes...

Ok well I think I have lost all my recent writings. Especially the ones I really liked. I don't know how I will ever come up with em again. Everything I write is generally done on a whim and not completely thought out. We shall see where this goes. Probably no where. Wish me luck. Other then that I really don't feel like me lately. I really don't feel much of anything. I'm looking for something, but I am not entirely sure of what.

I really need to look for my writing. I can't but keep thinking of where I can scrounge em up again. I am trying to put together a hand written book of everything I write. Not quite sure what I will do with it after the fact that I get it together. Maybe somebody will enjoy it. Maybe not.

So it goes.

Hello? Is there anyone there?
Is there any room left to breath?
Is there any room left to move?
I am neither here nor there.
Lost in motion in a world filled with commotion.
Don't look, don't glare, do more then just stare.
Get up fight make things right.
You might just make it out alive.

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Ok, well things as of lately seem to be going. I can't say whether too good or even bad. They are simply in motion. I feel lonely as ever, but its good. I am now going to school to pursue a degree in Fine Arts. Lets hope I make it.

-Mike