So it Goes...

Okay, well things before October 13th were a bit rough for me. I had originally given up on the concept of love. Believing it was quite the frivolous concept, and that it was merely the search of finding one compatible to deal with your downfalls as an individual. I was content with being single feeling maybe that was what I needed in life. I was always the guy who wanted relationships, and the guy who always looked for the long-term deals. Never was I one to use a person for the act of meaningless sex, or possessions. I always did what I could for the one's I cared for. I always broke my back, and even tortured myself at times to do what I could to see them happy. I would much rather see someone happy then myself the majority of the time. I am not saying I am a saint nor that I am the perfect individual. I know damn well I have made my mistakes and created meaningless arguments, been ugly or rude when unnecessary. I am stubborn, hard headed, and a bit foolish at times. I mislead woman and slung around the phrase "I love you" merely to make them happy. Not once till now have I ever felt it and meant it. I am merely saying I try for many to be able to say that is a stretch. Essentially I am saying I merely gave up on a lot of things. On October 13th I met someone I found of extreme interest. I was neither looking nor did I want to find anyone, but it was something that just happened. We had never really met on a personal level. Just caught each others eye on a glimpse maybe a little more then a year before. No real words exchange or any type of communication. We happen to talk and decide to meet. Little was known of each other nor did we have any expectations of one another. The night came and went as quick as a blink. It was absolutely one of the best dates I have ever been on. What was usually felt with awkward moments was filled with conversation, laughter, and beautiful smiles. We both agreed we didn't want the night to end, but it had to. I couldn't wait for the next available chance at just saying "hello". From then on it is hard to describe with words what exactly happened. I drifted into what was unknown to me. I fell in Love for the first time I can say in my life. I have never had anyone make me so happy in my entire life. I've felt and experience so many new things with this woman its hard to explain. Every time I see her there is a smile, a kiss, and a hug waiting for her. From which all come from my heart. Some may say its to quick to slow down, and to take it easy. I don't wanna do any of that. I want to take it for what it is as it is. Why slow down something that appears to be so beautiful and perfect? Fear is the only factor. I shall not fold under such circumstances. I will give it my all. Love with all my heart, and fight for it to work because for once in my life everything feels Just right. Angie if you read this.... I love you...

Sometimes you Just have to Pee in the Sink.

We all have a story to tell. I would agree that some are more interesting then others. Lets just be honest though. We don't wanna hear how happy anyone is. We thrive on others misery. The more pain we see others live through the happier and more fulfilling of a life we live. I believe its quite sad how desperate we have really become.

We live in the shadow of fear. We are engulfed in lies. We live lie after lie. We no longer seek the truth. Simply because the truth is more painful. The more we believe equates to the amount we know. The less we believe simply means the less we know. By that theory I am a fool in the mass population's eyes.

Live to see another day. Live to breath and believe more lies today.

Oh how beautiful.

I'm a foreigner even to myself.

I've felt like I have gone through some tough times through out my life, and for a while felt I was becoming a foreigner even to myself. Just a utter stranger. I really had no sense. No direction. I feel I am back on track.

Work is still work. Still wanting to proceed on with my art. I can't stop I have already started lets hope I do it right. People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.

So strange I have become more of an emotionally involved person. More so then I have ever in my life. You gotta be willing to put yourself out there. The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open. So it goes....

That saying, about how you always kill the thing you love, well, it works both ways. The reality of it is that its the truth, and the truth is not what people want. The answer to all of this is that there is no answer. Live and let live. There's no time for hate. Just love.

Here are a few of my writings I have done:
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"Not by a long shot!" she said.
"I'm not here to trust"
"I'm not here to love"
"I'm not here to fuck"
"Ideals" she screamed.
"Not real"
"A dream"
So she said.
As she swallowed me whole.
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My wasted days are over.
Ready to be swallowed by the ocean.
Let the tide roll in...
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Captured.
Disaster.
Release.
Collapse.
Repeat.
Cupid's Arrow never hurt so good.
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Something I wrote on July 4th of this year.

Everything started today as your typical mundane bullshit Monday. Its July 4th 2009 and everyone seems to be gitty for fireworks and drunken sex. Always and endless cycle of pointless Holidays. We are the Hallmark nation of Card Companies. This was a day with the means of letting go. I did. Its gone. So it goes....
I don't feel a thing...
So it goes...

Ok well I think I have lost all my recent writings. Especially the ones I really liked. I don't know how I will ever come up with em again. Everything I write is generally done on a whim and not completely thought out. We shall see where this goes. Probably no where. Wish me luck. Other then that I really don't feel like me lately. I really don't feel much of anything. I'm looking for something, but I am not entirely sure of what.

I really need to look for my writing. I can't but keep thinking of where I can scrounge em up again. I am trying to put together a hand written book of everything I write. Not quite sure what I will do with it after the fact that I get it together. Maybe somebody will enjoy it. Maybe not.

So it goes.

Hello? Is there anyone there?
Is there any room left to breath?
Is there any room left to move?
I am neither here nor there.
Lost in motion in a world filled with commotion.
Don't look, don't glare, do more then just stare.
Get up fight make things right.
You might just make it out alive.

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Ok, well things as of lately seem to be going. I can't say whether too good or even bad. They are simply in motion. I feel lonely as ever, but its good. I am now going to school to pursue a degree in Fine Arts. Lets hope I make it.

-Mike

How I wish that blue bird was still here.
To make my heart beat complete once again.
Oh to hear that sad melody the one last time.
This old heart of mine stop beating in no time.
Oh how I wish that Blue Bird was in that heart of mine.
Forever we would live together...
Or atleast a very long time...

by Me...

Keep on Dreaming.

Keep on dreaming. Even though it seems you have lost all reasons. A small taste of hope can stretch as far as any canvas. Just be sure to keep your eyes wide open. For sometimes the sky is really falling.

Lately it seems like I have a hard time breathing for the reason that I am just backlogged on things I want to do. Over and over again I catch myself falling further behind. My artwork is lacking and indeed suffering because of it. There is plenty of rehabilitation needed. I have been going to lessons for my Cello because it is something I am truly interested in learning. I find it hard at times to find time to practice I can only imagine how hard its going to be when I begin to go back to school and gamble between that and full time work. I am in dire need of a vacation, so hopefully in August I can find that retreat.

To those who take time to read this.
Thank you.

On another note the photo above is yet another painting I have done in the past year or so enjoy. Feel free to critique.

With The greatest of Ease:

Everlasting disaster spread like paper mache like plastered walls. Building a bridge to no where. Flying in the sky dreaming of going somewhere. Grounded by lead wings called regret. Going on with things we can't forget. This is something, but we are nothing. We are building great things, executing as we please. Mass genocide of trees. Be prepared to be choked by the so called mythical thing like "going green!". It must be that I am a sentimental being, there is no room for these. Constant consumption must be the key. Lets put that green in our pockets because these pockets have holes in them and can never be filled.

"Up Against The Wall"

This is a new painting I have done recently Titled: "Up against the Wall". I used a textured acrylic for the base to make it seem more so like the texture a rough rigid wall. I then used standard acrylic paint on top of it. I have many that I have started that are incomplete. I may in time post all my older paintings that are complete at a later time. This is just another short exposure for the time being I will be on my way out here shortly for another night of work. I can Honestly say I am pretty tired of being a police officer as it is. I do my job as I am suppose to, but in the end it really isn't fulfilling to me in any way. There isn't really any gratification. I love the people I work with, but don't necessarily love exactly what I do. I want an easier and less stressful job. Well that is enough of my bickering if you actually read this let me know what you think of the painting and such. Thank you

-Mike

My first go...

Well this is my first go at the whole blog website deal. I am trying to steer away from the whole myspace thing. It consumes people and its the same for Facebook. I just want somewhere I can share what I write as well as my artwork. Hopefully people will look at it and let me know what they think. I am currently on a continues struggle to find time to do what I like. Between work and a great relationship its hard to find the time, but its worth it.